Some will know that over the past two weeks I have been completing an EQ or Emotional Intelligence Course with my Heads of Department. It really could not have come at a more inopportune moment in my life either. With everything that is going down currently this was just the cherry on the top of a cake that was about to topple over under the strain.
Now one thing you should know is that I do not give in very easily to stress BUT you cannot fool your body unfortunately and through the years one would think I had figured this out and learnt to concede to defeat before it is crisis management time.
BUT no as usual I am too stubborn, dogmatic and obsessive-compulsive to ever submit and so I push, and push and push and push, burning the candle at both ends, as I was told by the course facilitator, and not expecting the inevitable!
Instead of training 2 hours a day I up the anti and try for a few more, instead of working 10 hours a day I up the anti and do 13 plus – why, it is all about controlling your environment, hoping that in doing this I can control the eventual outcome. No can do!
Back to the EQ course – I have always believed that I am a fairly emotionally intelligent person, according to Wikipedia this means I “….have the ability, skill or, in the case of the trait EI model, a self-perceived ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups”.
Unfortunately when you are in, and I quote from my personality profile (done this week), – “Allyson Towle has a moderately high degree of anxiety which MAY cause her some discomfort but will NOT NECESSARILY affect her emotional stability nor lead to a decrease in performance’ one is not in a particularly good space to control ones own emotions never mind anyone else’s.
So first and foremost I must apologise for anyone’s emotions that I have been inept at reading and thus caused any form of distress, anxiety or upset to. There is no excuse and all I can say is that I am working on improving my overall well being and thus ability to deal with life more effectively.
Firstly, one has to try and ascertain the cause behind the symptom or the route of the emotion and then make a conscience decision to DO something about it! In other words one has to want to dig ones self out of the pit of self pity and initiate motion upwards rather then spiraling round and round and further down and down. Sometimes wallowing is good for the soul BUT NOT for too LONG!
So what to do?
Pointers from my personality profile suggest key areas of concern and I am assuming these are the key areas for improvement?
So tell me this, how does one improve on an –
- exaggerated sense of obligation which causes a lot of worry – shouldn’t I worry about the business etc? or those that work for and with me?
- or being plagued by feelings of anxiousness, panic and apprehension which will eventually present somatic symptoms of restlessness, sweating, paresthesias and palpitations – well that’s great the less people who know this the better (although some have seen the effects and it ain’t pretty!
- that I find the constant company of others rather burdeonsome – its not true I tell you, I love spending time with you BUT just you not a whole lot of you at the same time J
- or have a notably low degree of social sophistication and although notably unpretentious and genuine can be socially indiscreet – now this really worried me, am I prone to throwing underwear onto stages, is this what they are trying to say? And ok I know I get a little over excited (no comments from the peanut gallery allowed I am in a very fragile state and only NICE things are allowed to be said) BUT really NO social sophistication that’s a bit extreme don’t you think? SAY YES NOW!
- she suffers an elevated degree of overt tension
I highlight the worst parts to make a point obviously BUT really is that ME? I am mortified that I have become an over anxious, social-idiot who behaves indiscreetly and who could resort to panic and palpitations at a moments notice. All I can say is thank goodness for medication….otherwise I should be in a white-jacket in a padded-cell as we speak!
After day two of the course two weeks ago I had a melt down of note, I can’t remember when last I was reduced to wracking sobs, lying in fetal position at the bottom of my bed, like last week Saturday. It was if the whole world had crashed down around me and everything that I had been through and done since the last time I had this experience had to come out then and there! Never pleasant but can be therapeutic they say – it was NOT!
And then this week after day one I had another mini-melt down – the less said the better….
So as you can tell, it is not going well and this silly profile did nothing to aid my return to good health, well-being and EQ!
Until I read a few of the good things, dealt with one situation that was causing me a lot of discomfort, that done I could see the bushes for the trees so to speak and delve into the few and far between good points….
- she will present herself to others as someone who is rather serious, introspective and reflective presenting as someone who prefers to stick to inner values and is prudent and dedicated – ok nice
- she is neither too dependent nor independent can be expected to show initiative without clinging to or being dependent on – that’s ok right?
- she is notably conservative with a preference for orthodox ideas and methods – hmmm I guess this is a good thing
- she is considerably principled and controlled by a strong sense of duty – good!
- it says I should be a journalist, photographer or actress and musician – OH ok then so I need to very quickly learn how to sing and act and take a meaningful photo and I am on my way to fame and fortune? Or happiness?
- I appear – confident and independent and energetic and quick as well as competitive with a preference for independent actions - please explain the contradiction here!
- Positive attributes – competitive, persistent, initiates and is assertive (really these are positive) versus negatives – overpowering, too analytical and self-reliant and dogmatic (well who else must I rely on then?)
I am not 100% convinced that too many of these are positive either at this stage but I am hoping that is the result of my current state of mind…..
Can someone please tell me then how else I am supposed to react to the current status quo – called my life! All opinions welcome BUT I reiterate only very NICE ones because I may just drop over the edge and you would not want to be the reason J!
